Questionable Gadgets
 Dec 18, 2017

This holiday season we are being bombarded with ads for all kinds of gadgets (That Tactical Flashlight comes to mind) that we supposedly can't live without.

Given the strength of the existing real competition, it's going to be tough to do, but what we are looking for is descriptions of gadgets that are so over the top that the purple pillow ads seem tame.

We aren't looking for a story here, we want either the description of the item or the sales pitch for it. I have the word count set so it shouldn't get in the way of whatever you want to write.

Contest Rules
* Entry Fee: Free
* Prize: Advanced Trophy
* Level: Advanced
* Character Limits: 50 - 2000 words
* Submit period: 21 days
* Voting period: 3 days
* All regular Writing Deck Rules apply.
* Multiple entries are allowed in this contest.

Thanks to MsgtBob for supplying our themepost!

Hello folks, Andy here from ElectroLawn. Are you sick and tired of your neighbor’s pets coming onto your lawn to do their dirty work? (hear bark and then yip, yip, yip, fading into the background) Well, have I got the answer for you. ElectroLawn: the amazing new product developed using declassified top secret design elements originally planned for the White House.

Yes, that’s right, the White House. They were just looking for a deterrent from people jumping the fence, but we took their ideas and amplified them to help the average citizen in a most unique way.

You don’t want dogs doing their doody (hear bark and then yip, yip, yip, fading into the background) on your lawn, especially if their owners aren’t going to have the decency to pick up after them. Well with ElectroLawn, that dog might attempt it once, but we can guarantee it will never return to try again.

You see, Electrolawn is a product similar to AstroTurf, but with a kick. A twenty-thousand-volt kick that is. Once you have ElectroLawn installed on your property, that messy dog poop cleanup is just one thing less you need to bother with.

It’s previously top secret sensor system is sophisticated, to turn the juice on at the smallest touch, and turn itself back off again when the obtruding object no longer touches the lawn. Once the neighborhood pets realize your place is off-limits, your electric bill should return to normal.

You can also get our superior version, for a small extra fee, that will even disintegrate things like falling leaves. Gives a grand light show watching their demise.
So call now 1-800-EEL-LAWN or visit our website ElectroLawn@bs.yep. Our trained technicians are standing by to assist you in determining the size lawn you need. Anything over an acre receives an extra discount.

Remember that number: 1-800-EEL-LAWN, and now back to your easy-listening radio show.

Just in time for Christmas.

You know those letters that your grandmother sends you just before Christmas time?
You know how you always wondered why she sends them in code?

Well it turns out the code she writes in is called "Cursive", and she's asking what gifts you want under the tree.

What you need is a scanner that decodes this ancient method of communication. What you need is the 'Curse At Cursive No More'!! Easily downloaded to your phone, all instructions are in printed form.

Other uses for the scanner decoder:

Learn what your parents wrote about in school when they were young. See how lame their book reports were.

Decipher Grandma's recipes without calling for help. (Disregard this when someone invents a robotic chef.)

Use the scanner to interpret inspirational plaques. How many times have you walked into a Christian book store and stared, confounded at the posters and displays?

Create your own art projects like welcome mats or tattoos.

Finally know what is written on the walls of your favorite video game.

It's time you moved back into the last millenium with your own cursive decoder.
Buy your own 'Curse At Cursive No More'!!
3rd place

Picture this:

You're on your first date, you arrive at the chosen restaurant and the inattentive, incompetent waitperson delivers you right to your table... Your completely out of balance table!!!

Three legs touch the floor just fine, but that fourth leg just doesn't reach unless your date puts a modicum of weight on the tabletop, but then there's another leg that doesn't reach the floor. Imagine how embarrassed she is to see and feel that table rock you like a hurricane, as sung by The Scorpions, but not near as fun.

What are choices?

You could fold a napkin, get down on your hands and knees and crawl on the floor, hoping that the table isn't so heavy that you get further humiliated by not being able to lift it.

You could complain to the staff, and have to watch as they crawled on the floor, or not knowing if you'd be moved to a worse location because the worker, was just that angry.

Save her the shame of feeling like a clumsy, unsvelte cretin. Save yourself from launching her wine glass onto her lap.

Buy the new, never before known to be needed, shoe wedge.

Feel like James Bond as you discretely click the hidden wedge from the front of your shoe. You slip the wedge under the offending leg. Click again to release the wedge from your shoe.

The "Shoe Wedge" not to be confused with our fabric aging product, "Sewage"

Wedge refills available online.

Remember the last time that guy in black held up that flashy thingy?

Of course not, you were neutralized! You don’t remember a thing about it. So how much else have you forgotten? Have you ever wondered where your memories went? Why you can’t find your car keys, glasses, or remember the name of your first grade teacher?

You’re getting neutralized more times than you think, maybe even multiple times a day! And you can’t do a thing about it!

Until now. Buy Doc’s patent-pending anti-neutralizer and never fear being neutralized again!

Doc worked with the Grey’s from planet Tastraitera to bring you the ultimate in personal protection against agency induced memory loss.

For only $149.99 plus shipping you can look that man in black straight in the eye after he flashes you and say “Hey, I remember you!”

At the very least you’ll be able to walk down the street, confident that you can’t be neutralized, even if it never happens? And how much is that piece of mind worth? Surely more than a paltry $149.99 (plus shipping).

So order Doc’s anti-neuralizer today!

Before you are flashy-thinged again and forget. Uh-oh, I see a guy in black creeping up behind you! Better act fast!

Operators are standing by…

F.E.A.R (Footwear Emitting Alarm Responder)

Tired of neck crick strolls looking back over your shoulder at the quickening footsteps of starved zombie looking pedestrians, worry no more, you need F.E.A.R: Footwear Emitting Alarm Responder. 

A unique wireless sensor designed to clip onto any footwear.

No more anxiety taking that romantic stroll only one person knows about and it isn’t you. The sensor tracks the intent of approaching pedestrians by scanning body language, demographic, and DNA susceptibility.

Download the app today and let F.E.A.R reassure you every step of the shopping experience by connecting wirelessly to the sensor alarm clipped onto your over priced designer footwear. 

Ideal for Black Friday Events, scan the waiting lines to know who is waiting for the same sale items you are desperate to buy. F.E.A.R will give you the head start to the merchandise.

Your F.E.A.R will sound a deafening alert to ward off the Zombie looking assailants you know are out there, waiting for you to shop till you drop.

Disclaimer: Not ideal for pet owners as the FEAR alarm sound will send your pet into a frenzy and initial trials showed the pet attacking their owners to stop the irritating tone of the alarm.

Review: Mr B. S. Blogs 

Rating: (2 Stars).

I was excited about this product having read all the other paid for reviews. It doesn’t stay attached to the footwear for more than a couple of minutes strolling the red light district. I had to use the sensor on the app to find the sensor that came off my Stiletto Heels. I called the helpline and it was a Chinese Take-Away. Not recommended.